I’m daringly envisioning that a typical day for me one year from now will include me finishing my final edits to my memoir. I will have labored and flowed and loved writing this investigation of my soul. Perhaps I will be teaching,
tutoring, working some odd jobs or whatever is needed to pay the bills and leave time for the pursuit of this manuscript to be finished. I will have slept, ate, breathed, poured over old journals and mined through the pages and pages to find the character and voice to empower me to take steps toward the future. This manuscript will include witty quips, playful and heartfelt anecdotes and genuine gems I’ve mined in my journey to discover who I am from where I’ve come from. It will show I am wholly no different than anyone else, except entirely different from everyone else in capturing my essence. I will have had the ingenuity and devotion to pour through my former written descriptions of myself to my current self. Hoping, praying and working my ass off in order to give this idea some life breathing into it words that will become my memoir. A steady flow of word jumbles that resemble breath after life giving breath.
I’m barely able to construct this image and be swayed into it fully as fear overwhelms and tackles me. I have no idea how to make this a reality, I just know it eats at me to continue a life I’ve built that doesn’t resemble me anymore.
I will have wrapped up my current chapter this summer and will have left it behind.
Right now I am having a hard time seeing how this will come about.
I’m not believing it with all my heart.
I’m not imagining to the fullest extend what it looks like and how it feels.
I’m writing this in order to start the seed in my mind for what I would like to bring about.
I’m good at what I do and I work hard at it, but want to try different things too. No matter how many sappy videos there are to watch on YouTube about life being short and the need to live in the moment now, doing what I love…that doesn’t overpower the need for having good benefits or that bills will be due at the end of the day. Money does talk. Money motivates.
I am not leaving behind work or responsibility to pay my bills. I shall work a lifetime to do this!
But I am leaving behind the fear and the notion of NOT finishing my memoir. The unintended consequence of not finishing it seems worse than actually doing it. Especially after the idea has been tapping me on the shoulder for some time now.
I would like to shift the work I do in order to free up some creative energy in which to channel my writing.
Life gives me experiences.
I devote more time to the crafting of them and speaking them aloud.
I am and have been devoted to the students I teach for over 11 years. I have given my best to them everyday. I’ve worked hard to balance coming into work with a smile on my face and treating them with the respect they deserve. I’ve aimed to make learning fun and go through the manuals and work at making lessons engaging and meaningful. There’s always more to do and different ways to spin things that you could go mad in trying to do it all. I am striving to keep work at work and do the best I can within the hours I am to be there. To leave the work at work and do my passion work at home.
The lifelong struggle of an artist who wants to create all day, but has responsibilities too. So, in essence, one wakes up, creates. Accomplishes the tasks of the day and sleeps. And then does it all over again.
No real answer except to keep on going and working on the creativity daily. For everyday I awake to create, is an absolute miracle uncovered!