You know the moment when you’ve started creating something and then the floodgate of negative thoughts come pouring in? Who invited them anyway?? I’ve barely begun this new journey of self-expression and I start thinking of the many abandoned books that you can find in many a discount book warehouse. The many books that collect dust on my own shelves not to mention libraries and thrift stores. How many ideas have been published already? How many new ideas would I be able to create? I won’t have anything stunningly original to bring to the marketplace of ideas.
But yet, I don’t care.
My story deserves to exist because I do.
My words deserve to take breath and flight because I am inhaling oxygen as we speak and I have a desire to create. I have taken it upon myself for hours and hours in life to write down and process through my feelings as they occurred. I believe there is life and gems in those accounts that can teach me the beauty in the experiences. My seemingly normal life is really not normal at all. For it is mine. No one has my journey with my eyes with my thoughts and with my past.
There may be a zillion words uttered and penned and easily forgotten. However, that does not stop another drop of rain or snow from falling. Nor another flower blooming. And although it may bloom and soon wilt away to be lost soon enough, the point was that it was beautiful while it was there.
There is an abundance in this world if I choose to frame it this way. I may connect with other souls along the way, or I may just discover more of myself and finally see how I could trust myself all along.
The one theme of my life is that I’m constantly surprised at how I can do more than I ever thought I could. And if I pen 1,000 pages all in reliving the hardships and triumphs of my life lived so far only to prove to myself that I can do it; than this creative endeavor is worth every letter put together to make every word.
For the teacher in me has given of myself to many of my students for many years. I’ve given my precious attention to many an hour of a TV show that has not given me much in return over the years by way of creativity. It’s time I start creating and do less consuming of ideas of who and how I should be. There is beauty in my struggle and story of spirituality, looking for love, finding self love, failed romances, sexuality, acceptance of self, finding and strengthening my voice, receiving help from others, the pursuit of imperfection and following a life passion. Taking a stand on how I will view and exist in the world is something I don’t believe I’ve fully understood yet, but I shall piece together the chapters of this book.
So, in essence, it may be true that there are too many words uttered in this noisy world of constant information. All I can do is create for my sake of self and look to bring light in a dim and sometimes dark world through a perspective.